party jokes
1. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: 'Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: 'The driver just insulted me!' The man says: 'You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.'
2. I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.'
3. Dyslexic man walks into a bra...'
4. A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!" '.
5. I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"'
6. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.
7. Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.
8. Another one was: Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.
9. I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
10.A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road." '
11.There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
12.I was having dinner with Garry Kasparov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
13.Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here" '
14.So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck". '
15.I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.
16.I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, "Are you two an item?" '
17.A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." '
18.Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.
19.I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.
20.The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?".'
21.A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here" '
22.A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?" '
23.Slept like a log last night........ Woke up in the fireplace.
24.A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything" '
25.I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
26.I rang up British Telecom, I said, "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".'
27.My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that."
28.When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: "I love the simple things in life, but I don't want one of them for my husband". '
29.I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
30.There's two fish in a tank, and one says to the other "How do you drive this thing?" '
31.A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal." '
32.I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, "He's trying to pull a fast one". '
33.My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
34.I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite. '
35.I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.
36.I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said, "Those are pickled onions". '
37.So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.
38.I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
39.I tried water polo but my horse drowned.
40.A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: 'I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.'
41.You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
42.I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.
43.Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
44.I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?" I said, "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin". '
45.My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know! If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!" '
46.A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a turtle disaster
47.I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for! You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"'
48.I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu'. So I went - and I got it.
49.A seal walks into a club...
50.Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.
A Few BBQ Recipes
BBQ Mexican peppers stuffed with mozzarella
These Mexican stuffed peppers are a great veggie alternative at a barbecue
SERVES
About 6 skewers
INGREDIENTS
2 tbsp olive oil, plus extra for drizzling
1 onion, finely chopped
2 cloves garlic, crushed
1 tsp cumin seeds
A pinch of dried chilli flakes
1 x 400g tin pinto beans, drained and rinsed
1 x 125g ball mozzarella, drained and finely diced
400g mini sweet peppers
Sea salt and freshly ground black pepper
METHOD
Heat the oil in a frying pan and gently fry the onion until it is softening, about 10-15 minutes.
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BBQ halloumi, new potato and sage kebabs
These potato and halloumi kebabs are perfect for vegetarians at a BBQ
MAKES
6 kebabs
INGREDIENTS
400g new potatoes
Olive oil, for dressing
2 x 250g packs halloumi cheese, cut into cubes
Small handful of sage leaves
Sea salt and freshly ground black pepper
METHOD
Put the potatoes in a pan, cover with cold water and add a shake of salt.
Bring to the boil and cook until tender, about 15 minutes.
Drain and cut in half, toss in a good slug of oil and season with salt and black pepper.
Toss the halloumi separately in another good slug of oil, adding seasoning as you go.
Thread the potatoes and halloumi alternately on to 6 skewers, tucking the sage leaves in-between.
Cook over a medium-hot barbecue for about 10 minutes, turning regularly, until evenly charred.
Serve hot.
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Tandoori-style chicken legs recipe
Stevie Parle's tandoori-style chicken legs, a delicious Indian-inspired barbecue dish.
A tandoor is a basic oven, like a huge clay bowl with a fire at the bottom. I have one at Dock Kitchen and I use it to make bread for the tables. Occasionally we cook a bit of meat in it too and the result is fantastic. Half-barbecue, half-oven, it cooks the meat fast, sealing the flavour in. A standard barbecue works perfectly well, though. I like to buy chicken legs because they are such good value, but this recipe would work with a whole chicken off the bone.
Ingredients
8 chicken legs
¼ small red onion
2 cloves of garlic
1 thumb of ginger
½ a bunch of fresh coriander
100ml Greek yogurt
1 tsp toasted then ground cumin
1 tsp ground coriander
½ tsp ground black pepper
1 tbsp honey
1 tbsp vinegar
• Slash the chicken pieces a few times to reduce cooking time and allow the flavour to penetrate.
• Heat your barbecue to medium. In a Magimix or a pestle and mortar, grind the onion and garlic with the ginger and fresh coriander; add the yogurt and remove to a bowl big enough to marinade all of the chicken pieces. Add the spices, honey and vinegar and mix well. Season the marinade with salt, and then drop in the chicken pieces. Mix them around in the marinade and rub the yogurt mixture into the flesh with your hands.
• After marinating for at least half an hour, put the chicken pieces onto the hottest part of the grill. Turn each piece once until it is satisfyingly browned and looking delicious, then move them to a cooler part of the grill to cook gently, turning every few minutes, for about 15 minutes. Cut into the meat to check it is done. It should not be at all bloody, though remember that chicken legs do stay a little red in colour even when they’ve been fully cooked.
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Barbecued rosemary lamb with salsa verde
This lamb and salsa verde recipe is perfect for BBQ season
The simple procedure of chargrilling lightly marinated lamb and serving it pink with salsa verde was something I learnt as a chef at the River Cafe. I often come back to it. Boning and "butterflying" a leg of lamb produces neat portions, which expose a greater surface area of the meat to both the marinade and the barbecue than straight-cut leg steaks. But if such surgery daunts you, then cutting the meat into cubes and mounting them on wooden skewers after marinating does much the same job. Or use lamb chops. Both versions can be cooked indoors, on a ridged cast-iron grill pan.
SERVES
6
INGREDIENTS
6 butterflied lamb portions, from 4 large leg, or cut up in large cubes for skewering
A dozen good sprigs of rosemary
6 garlic cloves, bashed to release the husk, then roughly chopped
2–3 tbsp olive oil
A few good twists of black pepper
Salsa verde, to serve
METHOD
Bruise the rosemary needles by rubbing the sprigs in your hand, then roughly strip the needles into a bowl. Add the garlic, olive oil and pepper and then the meat. Toss all together well and leave for at least 2 hours (4-6 would be good).
Remove the meat from the marinade and wipe it lightly (you don't want it dripping with oil), but leave bits of garlic and rosemary sticking to it. Place the portions (or 5 or 6 cubes mounted on a wooden skewer that has been soaked in water for about 30 minutes) over a fairly hot barbecue. Let them sear on the bars for a couple of minutes and they should turn without sticking, then turn them every couple of minutes to prevent too much blackening on one side. Depending on the thickness of the meat and how pink you want it, the butterflied pieces will take 9-15 minutes, the kebabs 6-10.
Serve with salsa verde, in a bun or split pitta bread. Or plate up more formally, accompanied by chargrilled vegetables (as the barbecue is going) or ratatouille and, perhaps, rosemary roast new potatoes.
Salsa verde
SERVES
4
INGREDIENTS
1 small garlic clove
A good bunch of flat-leaf parsley, trimmed of coarse stalks
Leaves from 3–4 sprigs of tarragon
4–5 anchovy fillets
About 1 tsp capers
About 1 tsp mustard (Dijon or English)
A pinch of sugar
A few drops of lemon juice or vinegar
2–3 tbsp extra-virgin olive oil
Freshly ground black pepper
METHOD
Finely chop the garlic on a large chopping board. Then add the herbs, anchovies and capers and chop all together until the ingredients are well mixed and fairly fine in texture. Transfer to a bowl and mix in a little mustard, sugar, lemon juice or vinegar and black pepper, plus enough olive oil to give a glossy, spoonable consistency. As you add these last ingredients, taste and tweak the mixture till you get something you really like.
This sauce is best made immediately before serving but it will keep for a few days, covered or in a jar, in the fridge.
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Barbecued lamb kebabs with sabzi khordan recipe
Succulent marinaded lamb grilled over hot coals and served with feta, herbs, garlicky yogurt and raw veg
MAKES
6
INGREDIENTS
For the kebabs:
• 600g (1lb 4oz) cubed leg of lamb
• 75ml (2¾fl oz) olive oil
• 1½ tsp ground cinnamon
• 1 tsp ground allspice
• 2 tsp ground cayenne
• 2 cloves garlic, crushed
For the sabzi khordan:
• small bunches of fresh mint, basil, tarragon and flat-leaf parsley
• 150g (4½oz) really fresh watercress (try to get bunched not bagged)
• 350g (12oz) really fresh radishes, leaves intact and sprightly
• 1 small bunch spring onions, trimmed
• 300g (10½oz) feta, in big chunks
• 1 red onion
To serve:
• Arab flatbread, ciabatta or focaccia
• lemon wedges
• extra-virgin olive oil
• Greek yogurt mixed with crushed garlic and chopped mint
METHOD
Trim the lamb of any fat or sinew. Mix all the other kebab ingredients in a bowl with some black pepper and put in the lamb. Turn the meat over to coat, cover with clingfilm and refrigerate for anything from two to 24 hours. Turn the meat over every so often. If you are using wooden skewers make sure to soak them in water so that they don't burn on the barbecue.
To prepare the sabzi put the herbs, watercress, radishes, spring onions and feta on to a platter. I like to arrange them all in separate bunches. Drizzle a little oil on to the cheese. Peel and halve the onion and, cutting from top to bottom, slice into slim wedges. Add to the platter in a little pile.
Thread the lamb cubes on to six skewers and season with salt. Cook on the barbecue or a griddle pan until golden brown all over. It's best if they are still pink in the middle so give them about seven minutes. Keep turning.
Serve with the sabzi khordan, flatbread, lemon wedges, more extra-virgin oil and a bowl of Greek yogurt into which you've stirred some crushed garlic and chopped mint. The idea is that people tear off their own leaves and eat with everything else using their fingers.
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Hammered pork chops with a herb sauce recipe
Rose Prince's hammered pork chops with a herb sauce, a tasty barbecue dish.
Serves 4
Flattening meat with a hammer not only tenderises it, it speeds up the time needed to cook it on the barbecue. You can do this with chops on the bone, or off.
Ingredients
8 small or 4 large pork loin chops
for the marinade
2 tbsp raspberry vinegar
2 tbsp cold-pressed rapeseed oil
1 tsp crushed pink peppercorns
the leaves from 1 sprig of marjoram/oregano, finely chopped
for the sauce
2 egg yolks, lightly beaten
1 tbsp capers, rinsed and chopped finely, then patted dry with a towel
1 tbsp cornichons, chopped and patted dry with a towel
4 tbsp finely chopped flatleaf parsley
1 tbsp finely chopped chives
6 tbsp olive oil
• Put the pork chops between two sheets of greaseproof paper and pound with a rolling pin until half a centimetre thick. Mix together the marinade ingredients in a bowl and add the pork.
• Turn to coat well and leave for an hour to let the flavours develop, then take out the chops and wipe off the marinade. Season the pork with salt and black pepper and grill over coals for no more than five minutes each side, or until the meat juice droplets rising to the surface of the chops are clear coloured or only very slightly pink.
• Meanwhile make the sauce: put the egg yolks in a bowl and stir in all the ingredients except the oil. Once mixed, beat in the oil tablespoon by tablespoon, until you have a rich, thick green emulsion. Season to taste with salt and serve with the grilled meat.
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Barbecue chicken skewers recipe
These healthy Caribbean-style chicken kebabs will be the star of your barbecue
I call these "Bucaneer chicken skewers" - I'm not too sure why, considering a buccaneer is someone who robs and plunders from the sea. I think it stems from an obsession with Caribbean food, which to me means lots of hot cayenne pepper and tropical lime — which brings buccaneers to mind!
Timing notes
Marinate the chicken (see below) for six hours or overnight.
Pre-soak wooden skewers in water for 30 minutes before use.
Ensure your barbecue will be producing high heat when you are ready to cook.
SERVES
Four
INGREDIENTS
6 boneless, skinless chicken thighs, each cut into 4 pieces
2 spring onions, chopped
1 handful flat-leaf parsley
2 garlic cloves, chopped
¼ tsp cayenne pepper
2 tbsp lime juice
2 tbsp olive oil
Lime chilli sauce
3 tbsp lime juice
2 tbsp olive oil
3 tbsp finely chopped flat-leaf parsley
2 tsp finely chopped rosemary
1 large red chilli, finely chopped
4 spring onions, thinly sliced
METHOD
At least six hours before cooking (or the previous night).
Put the chicken in a ceramic dish or bowl. Put the spring onion, parsley, garlic, cayenne pepper, lime juice and olive oil in a food processor and process to a paste. Rub all over the chicken. Cover and refrigerate for six hours or overnight.
40 minutes before cooking
To make the lime chilli sauce, combine all the ingredients in a bowl. Pour over 125ml (4fl oz) boiling water, stir to combine and set aside.
Soak some wooden skewers for 30 minutes.
Remove the chicken from the fridge 30 minutes before cooking. Thread the chicken onto skewers, three pieces on each.
To cook
Preheat the barbecue grill to high.
Cook the skewers for eight to 10 minutes, or until cooked through, turning often.
Spoon the sauce over to serve.
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Sweet potato salad recipe
The sweet potatoes for this salad recipe are best cooked in the coals of your barbecue, but an oven will suffice.
SERVES
4-6
INGREDIENTS
4 sweet potatoes,
4 thyme sprigs
¼ red onion, roughly chopped
1 large tomato, roughly chopped
1 green chilli, deseeded
A handful of mint leaves
A handful of coriander leaves
A handful or parsley leaves
1 lime
Nutmeg, grated to taste
METHOD
Cut the sweet potatoes in half, put the thyme, olive oil and a little bit of salt inside each sweet potato and wrap tightly in foil. Place them in the hot coals of the barbecue and put a few hot coals on top. They’ll bake really nicely in about 20-30 minutes.
To assemble the salad, unwrap the potatoes, and while hot, remove the skin and roughly chop and place in a bowl, adding a pinch of salt. Chop the onion, tomato, green chilli and herbs together, transfer to the bowl, then squeeze in the juice of the lime. Add a grating of nutmeg and toss. Serve with barbecue jerk chicken, with a wedge of lime on each plate.
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BBQ asparagus and spring onions with Romesco sauce
Inspired by a favourite Catalan dish, this asparagus and Romesco sauce is a perfect side dish at a barbecue
calcots (a kind of giant succulent spring onion) charred over an open fire and eaten with a pungent pepper and garlic sauce called Romesco. Phenomenally popular, there are whole restaurants and even festivals dedicated to their consumption, but they're sadly almost impossible to source outside Spain. So here is my British interpretation, using seasonal asparagus and fat spring onions.
The Romesco sauce will keep for a week or so in the fridge. It's best not served fridge-cold, so take it out a few hours before you want to eat.
SERVES
6
INGREDIENTS
For the Romesco sauce
3 tbsp olive oil
2 large red peppers, deseeded and cut into 2cm pieces
SOg whole blanched almonds
2 slices white bread, crusts removed
3 cloves garlic, crushed
Y2 tsp smoked paprika
1-2 tsp sherry vinegar
Sea salt and freshly ground black pepper
For the asparagus and spring onions
2 bundles of asparagus (about 250g each), woody ends trimmed
2 bunches offat (sometimes called continental) spring onions, sliced in half lengthways
2 tbsp olive oil
Sea salt flakes, for sprinkling
METHOD
To make the Romesco sauce, heat half of the oil in a heavy-based pan and fry the red peppers over a high heat for around 15-20 minutes, stirring regularly, until slightly charred in places.
Meanwhile, toast the almonds in a dry frying pan over a medium heat for a couple of minutes. Tip into a food processor and pulse until ground.
Add the rest of the oil to the same pan and fry the bread slices on both sides until crisp. Leave to cool for a few minutes before crumbling into the food processor.
Add the cooked peppers (plus any cooking oil} to the food processor, along with the garlic and smoked paprika.
Blitz, adding just enough cold water to make smooth.
Season with a little vinegar, salt and black pepper, then set aside at room temperature until you are ready to serve.
Put the asparagus and spring onions into a large bowl and cover with cold water. Leave to soak for a few minutes (to remove any lurking grit) then drain and rinse.
When you are ready to eat, spread the asparagus and spring onions out on a baking tray and drizzle over the oil. Sprinkle generously with sea salt flakes and toss to mix well.
Place over a hot barbecue for about 10 minutes, turning occasionally, until cooked and nicely charred in places.
Pile on to a big serving plate and serve immediately with the Romesco sauce alongside to dip the veg in.
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Caribbean rum punch recipe
Get in the party mood with a Caribbean rum punch.
Makes approx 2 litres/3½ pints: enough for a good party. Feel free to scale down.
Juice of 8 limes
35ml grenadine syrup
500ml/17 fl oz dark rum
250ml/8½ fl oz white rum
500ml/17 fl oz pineapple juice
500ml/17 fl oz orange juice
8 drops of Angostura bitters
A dash of grated nutmeg
Pineapple slices, to garnish
Soda water (optional)
Combine all the ingredients in a large jug and fill up with ice cubes.
Stir well and top with soda water if you don’t want it to be too strong.
Garnish with pineapple slices
Total time: 10 minutes
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best wines for barbecues
Big, burly, red-meat barbecues need rich, robust, full-bodied red wines to go with them, right? Not necessarily. Given this summer’s trend for lighter, more easy-going wines, it seems apt to find out whether softer, less tannic reds can cut the mustard too.
On went the beef steaks: one simply salt and peppered; another in a mildly spicy and sweet marinade. Tradition dictates cracking into a hefty Australian or South African shiraz. But plain, slightly smoky, chargrilled beef actually finds a better partner in medium, fresh-tasting Italian reds such as cherryish dolcetto from Piedmont or young sangiovese from Tuscany, or in a raspberryish, juicy red from the Loire. A marinade complicates matters, but the same lightish Italians work, or you might try a good-quality beaujolais.
But what about more richly flavoured and fatty lamb? It’s certainly tougher to find a lighter red to match barbecued lamb, though don’t write off a young ('joven’) red rioja – its tempranillo grape has a great affinity with this meat. Juicy Italian valpolicella is another good option.
A sweetly ripe, soft and succulent pinot noir from New Zealand or Chile works nicely with plain chargrilled pork chops and even stands up well to the classic, sweet-and-sour barbecue sauce on some ribs.
These are all reds that can be chilled ever so slightly (20 to 30 minutes in the fridge) to emphasise their fresh fruity appeal. Just don’t overdo it, as very hot meats and very cold reds don’t bring out the best in each other.
TRY THESE...
La Grille Pinot Noir 2010 Sylvain Miniot, Vin de France (Majestic, £7.99 down to £6.99 when you buy two until 2 September)
Very soft, fresh red mixing chocolate notes with blackberries, that would suit simple grilled pork chops or pork sausages. 12 per cent.
Tesco Valpolicella 2012 Veneto, Italy (£4.99)
Great-value Italian, with blackcurrant, plum and cherry, light and only 11 per cent. Works with plain lamb cuts on the barbecue.
Toscana Rosso 2011 Tuscany, Italy (Marks & Spencer, £5.99)
Juicy red plums, with subtle hints of spice and smoke, make for a well-priced Tuscan treat, 80 per cent of which is sangiovese, to go with barbecued beef in particular. 13 per cent alcohol.